The 2029 CSL season has not been an easy one for CSL legend Dwyane Wade. The lead man for one of the CSL’s worst teams is struggling to find answers and seems to be re-evaluating his entire life as the losses keep building up. We sat down with the legendary guard to get his thoughts on his team, his life and the CSL as a whole.
Q: Thanks for joining us Dwayne. First question, what’s it like being married to actress, model and all-around hottie Gabrielle Union:
A: Uhh that’s a weird fucking question. But it’s just normal to me, I guess. Gabi’s great and I love her to death but she’s just like, normal to me. But with all this damn losing I don’t even know if normal is normal. What is normal? Am I doing normal wrong? Maybe I should feel weird about it. Maybe she’s the reason we’re losing. All these young dudes in this locker room so distracted by her that they can’t focus on rotating on defense. I don’t know. Next question.
Q: Umm okay then, why do you think your team has struggled so much over the last 22 games?
A: Have you ever watched the Sacramento Kings or Miami Heat play? Have you seen the way they make basketball look easy? Like art? Yeah, we’re the exact fucking opposite of that right now. We don’t know left from right, up from down, right from wrong and we especially don’t know how to run a fucking pin down screen or a basic pick and roll. Why have we struggled? Because it’s like we took 15 guys who were abducted by aliens for the last 250 years after they were pumped with all sorts of steroids by the aliens and threw them on a basketball court and told them to just figure it out. Also probably because our idiot GM traded most of our good players.
Q: You seem really agitated, so I’ll try to wrap up here soon. What have been your thoughts on Anthony Edwards’ development this season?
A: Anthony’s a good kid with a bright future. His talent is off the charts, I truly believe that. He’s going to be a great player on this league on both ends of the court. I think once he finds himself in a situation that isn’t a God damn disaster with a GM who wants to suck and teammates who have eggs for brains, then I think he’ll flourish. He’ll also get better once he stops wanking to my wife actress and model Gabrielle Union (long story there) and gets his endurance up. And learns a good shot from a bad shot. And learns to pass better. Alright I’m done.
Q: Umm alright, last question from me because I think you need a nap. Who wins the CSL Finals this year?
A: I don’t know, probably the Kings or the Heat or the Warriors. A team that isn’t run by an idiot. A team that can dribble a ball past halfcourt without forgetting what planet they’re on. A team that isn’t distracted by my super hot wife Gabrielle Union. A team that can defend without looking like they’ve been legally blind for 20 years. A team that can shoot a basketball and have it land somewhere near the backboard. A team that… *PR person forcefully remove Dwyane from his chair and sedates him*
